An old man lived alone in the country. One spring, he wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Max, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Max – I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me. Love, Papa.
A few days later he received a letter from his son…
Dear Papa – I’d do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies. Love, Max.
At 4 o’clock the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire back yard without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa – Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Max
Q: What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Mike Tyson after the Evander Holyfield fight?
A: "Are you going to finish that?"
Jeffey's mom looks over at him and says "Jeff I don't like your friends". Jeffery replies "Then eat the vegetables".
Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the hell are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you sure are an asshole when you're drunk."